{PHOTOS moved down to the bottom during archiving process}
Sunday, November 30th 2003, 21:48
Spent two hours typing out all the entries and hosting all the photos during my holiday, because I'm freaking starving right now and there isn't any dinner around campus this late anyhow. Please read them. Scroll right down to the bottom.
Got a quiz tomorrow and a project due the day after. Why do I always get myself into such sticky situations? The traffic jam that delayed our arrival by 4 hours doesn't do much good either.
They tell me to have hope, but I don't see any, so unless I'm missing something...
Saturday, November 29th 2003, 22:31
I suffered long periods of depression today. y = 1/2 (sinx - 1) perhaps?
I have three wishes in life, three things that I want to achieve before I die. Each of them has many factors against me, none of which I have any control over. Try your best, that's all you can do. If my life is destined to be one of sadness and unfulfilled desires, then so be it!! Might as well spend my life serving those around me and the society. It's what we achieve, not how happy we were, that determines how long 'you' live after your mind and body dies.
Who cares if it's an unhappy life? It will soon be over anyway!!
P.S. My words are like a mirror, how you interpret it depends on what you are.
Friday, November 28th 2003, 21:22
Mrs. Abbott has a very good approach to life decisions. Basically we should all prepare for the worse. This way, we disregard the fact that the probabilities are uncertain. Then, we will see which choice will lead to a failure that you will regret less, should it happen. That's the choice we make.
My self-studying is still at snails' pace. Did 5 lectures worth of homework, got 20 more homeworks to do. I don't exactly know what's keeping me from breaking down right now but, maybe it's because Christmas is approaching and I have planned a whole list of things that is waiting for me to resolve. Fate and faith, I love and hate them. They always drive me to successes, and more failures. Together with hope, there's no telling exactly what mess they're going to drive me into this time. They've torn me apart already, so I might as well either finish off the job myself or let them do whatever.
P.S. Even my body agrees that I'm stressed - I finally found a scale and found out I lost 5 pounds since I came in August. But even if I gain it all back, it doesn't really matter anymore. I've seen lots of 300 pound Americans that can run faster than Hugh...
Thursday, 27th November 2003, 22:48
Had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my host families' friends. The homemade food was just amazing - the dark meats of the turkey and the gravy melted in my mouth, as well as the deserts. Pumpkin pies are just amazing.
We also played scrabble, chess, pool, table-tennis, sang cartoon songs and played piano. These families all come from highly intellectual backgrounds, especially when they finish those newspaper crossword puzzles with words that I've never seen before. Here, unlike the Chinese way, holidays are celebrated in the same way for everybody, with children and adults talking together and doing the same things. Makes them more mature in my opinion.
No work done as usual. I wonder how things will work out. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. It's not like I haven't ever received serious setbacks before. But this time, I'm caught between fate and hope; the old ways of destiny and the new beliefs of faith. In short, I'm starting to really see the American way of thinking. They are always optimistic, confident, and have faith in hope. The US might be supported by technology and a myriad culture, but deep inside it's all driven by faith that things will work out in the end. "It ain't over 'till it's over" as they say.
So I'm now caught between choices, ironies and regrets. I need guidance, more than ever!
Wednesday, November 26th 2003, 11:01
Often, I tell others to fight against fate, for that is how humans progress and give meaning to life. Sometimes, however, fate seems to subtly protect you from potential dangers. As I calmed down and thought about all the things that I couldn't control, I realize that some of them are mere illusions, diverting my attention from the real dangers. I was right when I said things will never be the same again. But then, so is each passing day. Wisdom is useful, but not invincible. Sometimes you have to follow your heart.
Tried working, but...
1.) Woke up late
2.) Didn't do much math - getting rusty
3.) Played Soul Caliber again. Started learning combo moves.
4.) Went shopping at the supermarket and cooked with Mrs. Abbott.
I guess the wind is trying to teach me something again... just what is it this time?
Tuesday, November 25th 2003, 20:54
"Kris - The down coat is the green one on the chair to your left. It's the only down coat we have. If you don't want it leave it here, but if you do take it. Make sure it comes back in god condition, it had SENTIMENTAL value." - note found 2:00 am, written by Patrick.
"Kris - There's a fleece there instead of the jacket. Wear it under yours; it will be just as warm and more convenient" - note found 8:00 am by Mrs. Abbott.
So, in order to respect my host, I took neither, and went to Chicago with clothes that are only prepared for Hong Kong winters. Yeah it was very painful, with wind so strong that could knock little kids down. I lost count of the sheer distances I walked from morning to evening, my fingers so cold that I had to rinse it with cold water (hot water will crack them) everytime I walked indoors, because they were on the verge of frostbite. Not to mention staying outside at night for ages waiting for public transport. I'm a mind-over-matter person, not having any friends or even a car didn't matter at all. It's called an adventurous spirit, I guess.
Here are the places I've went to (using a map I bought): Civic opera house, Sears tower, Picasso's sculpture in Dabey Plaza, Marshal fields building and it's Christmas windows, Chicago Theatre, House of Blues, Tribune Tower, Magnificent Mile, Watertower + mall (camera broke down at this point), John Hancock Tower, Navy Pier and Union Station. The general downtown was beautiful though, with gorgeous high-rise titans emitting auras of economic and political might, a stunning lake that feels like the sea (some say the keen-sighted could see Canada) and a night scene that compares, though still inferior, to that of Hong Kong. Definitely worth a second visit, perhaps for a few days even.
It was very tiring though. In fact, I must have done a lot of exercise today, to be able to finish a foot-long subway sandwich without feeling stuffed at all. Try first, then comment.
Random: I'm starting to miss everyone a lot. I want to give big hugs to everybody when I go back. Which makes me wonder why it's socially acceptable for two girls to hug but not two guys. Strange, isn't it?
Tuesday, November 25th 2003, 01:29
More lying around and doing nothing in general.
Decided to go to Chicago tomorrow and, depending on circumstances, the day after as well (I'm still counting this as a Monday entry remember). One problem I have though is the lack of winter clothing. I've only bought two long-sleeved and three short-sleeved shirts, no sweater, or anything thicker than 5 sheets of paper, and two decorating jackets. So I wore 3 clothing items and my fleece jacket when I walked out to the supermarket, and the 4 minute walk turned into an adventurous battle against the frigid cold. Took a photo of the beauty of Gurnee's winder though.
And what did I buy? Door stops! Yeah - apparently my host family finds it politely amusing to give me a 200 square feet add-on with the main door popping open every hour from the snowstorms at night, even with two galleons of milk blocking it. Reminds me of the second HKAYP camp in Tai Mo Shan, only much, much colder. So yeah, I had lots of fun with the elements lately, but I'm afraid I'll have to stop this little game by borrowing a down jacket from Pat.
Speaking of him, I went out bowling with his town friends. They all seem to be (and not surprisingly) very proud of the University of Illinois. Which ironically makes me want to transfer, for fear of losing my will to make up for my failures in childhood.
The shopkeeper collects currencies from all over the world and sticks them over the cashier. I offered my 100HKD "salmon" for exchange price, but the stubborn waitress insisted that only the boss could decide, even though she knows he would buy it for much more than that. Oh well!
Seriously need to buy some vegetables and just cook it myself. I've been eating like 4000 calories a day.
Sunday, November 23rd 2003, 17:54
I've decided not to start working until I was ready.
So I simply played Age of Mythology and Soul Caliber with my roommate and his brothers. The reason why the latter is addictive is because it's a new concept of arcade fighting games. I could actually win using superior tactics, as opposed to practicing, like those people with no-life.
Mrs. Abbott doesn't serve meals to us. Instead, she leaves bagels, bread, butter, cold pizza and (delicious) home-made banana bread in the kitchen. Yes - they are all starch foods, and the frozen foods in the fridge also require a lot of cooking, so I'll settle with whatever's available. Drinks? Tap water, sir. Obviously, one has to remember that I'm here instead of Toronto because I need to re-discover my heart and spirit, not because I want free food and lodgings, so there you go.
The kids are very mature and independent. I think it's because their father died seven years ago. Coincidentally, their dog is seven years old. Could it be because he is there to fill in the role of a father that plays with them? I don't have the heart to ask, but I really don't like dogs anyway. Not when that bastard rushes towards you and licks you between your thighs wet everytime you sit on the sofa!
So here I am writing in my little apartment attached to the house, listening to the rain slowly dripping off the roof, onto the windows, and into the drainage. I'm becoming myself again: living life as a blessing by itself, looking at death merely as an end to thought, and not relying on anyone besides my vision as my support. But not completely, because after all that has happened, my life will never be the same again.
And why should it be?
Saturday, November 22nd 2003, 12:24
I had a good trip last night. The buses were on time and the seats were comfortable. I had a very interesting chat with Peter - it seems that wherever you are, some things just trouble all of us, forever.
My roommate's family consists of four sons, all of them quite grown up. Like the typical American household, this place is a mess. It has a lot of fine things, typical of the sub-urban middle-upper class culture, but gosh, sometimes I wonder if this house gets hit by an earthquake every week, and they've given up tidying this place. However, they also impress me: they have lots of extremely sophisticated books, neatly stocked up and no dust ever gathers around those. So while people in Hong Kong have really neat houses and screwed up minds, people here have very developed minds and screwed up houses. It's also severely under-heated, but I don't think they notice it at all. hey have such a warm family to compensate.
So here I am, writing diaries when I'm supposed to study. But why did I bring my books to study here at all? So I can get A's and hope I can transfer? To where? But I will lose all my friends, again!! That will be harsh; I might end up not making any friends at all, lower my chances of an actuarial career, and gain nothing in return. As Mrs. Abbott commented, she graduated in Syracuse with pride and satisfaction, only to realize that it will only help your first few jobs. She's right - life is long.
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