Wednesday, March 24th 2004, 22:30
It's becoming warmer now, so I'll have to change my background pretty soon to reflect this.
My holiday's more than half over now, and yet it really doesn't feel like my work is nearly half done! While everyone's busy networking, studying, working, traveling... I'm sitting on my fat, ugly ass, idling my time away and doing stupid things. Every single holiday, no exception. No matter how hard I try, I'm always fail to work as much as I know I am capable of. And then they say, there's always primary school, secondary school, college... there's a lot of reset buttons in life. And guess what? I wasted those as well. If I don't get into that college, that girl, that job, that fame and fortune, that name in history... well, that's my own goddamn fault!
Sleep, food, shelter, love and sex... they always get in my way, those pathetic time-wasters. Man, it's not like I'm asking to be the best at everything. I'm only asking myself to try my best in life, and then whatever happens, I'll be satisfied. But nope... looks like I'll continue to be a little slob for another twenty years, before I gain weight, and become a big slob...
Saturday, March 20th 2004, 23:45
First day of Spring Break. Did nothing productive, of course. Wasted my time talking on the phone for 5 freaking hours. Yikes!!
The halls are deadly quiet today. The buses stop running, all the street lights are down, and the population density is like one person per 50 rooms. Many complain that it's very boring, but I like it very much. I finally get to do what I want without being distracted. Peace of mind is what I enjoy, although too much of it might make me lonely. I don't know. I need a balance to start healing my wounds.
I was thinking of writing a very long description of my fine feelings and emotions right now, but since there are 4 people messaging me on MSN right now, I better stop. ttyl~
Thursday, March 18th 2004, 13:28
Did you ever have food from Argentina, Congo, France, Germany, Guatemala, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Lebanon, Mexico, Nigeria, Pakistan, Philippines, Russia and Spain, all in one meal, for 4 bucks?
One of my friend's church buddies happened to have an international cuisine event at her high school, and it was basically a buffet of many different types of food in the world. Beats dorm food and campus restaurants, definitely! What's more surprising is that although his friend's a first-generation Chinese-American from Fujian, their Mandarin is absolutely amazing, and they tell us how much they like their own culture as opposed to the American one, which is totally against the typical whitewash effect. They also bluntly pointed out that I was from Hong Kong after hearing my Cantonese accent (which wasn't very polite, and made me feel very bad).
As for my daily life, I'm having Spring Break holiday for next week!! What's better is that I have no lessons today, and all of tomorrow's lessons are cancelled!! Hooray!!
***Of course, if that sounds too good to be true for Kris, it usually is***
Basically, all the classes that I want for summer school are filled up by the time I get to register, so I'm forced to take 6 credit-hours in four weeks (which is double the normal workload, but I applied for an overload earlier), and forth level econ classes at that!! *sigh* talking about taking a break man!! Why am I always forced into classes that are beyond my age throughout my life? I'm not an academically ambitious person, and I don't appreciate these "challenges"!!
That's me, that's my life, that's my luck.
(Chinese text lost during archiving process)
Saturday, March 26th 2005, 19:26
Class starts again on Monday. Rather than wondering why it's over so soon, however, I'm glad that the gloominess is over. Champaign has been cold, windy and rainy everyday, it's anything but Spring. And I have yet to see one single deciduous tree with one leaf on. The only thing I miss is the peace and quiet. Before you know it, the whole campus will be filled with chaos again.
If everything goes as planned, I should be done with summer school by mid-June. Since I can't find any summer jobs back home, I'll be spending my time reading books in the library and studying for course 4. Who cares - not a lot of people are going back anyway. Besides, if I do find a job when I graduate, this will be the last summer that I'll ever have. I'll do what I want to do, not what I should be doing.
So much for the stereotypical "happy childhood memories" of playing basketball with your neighbors, lying on the grass with your first love on a fine summer day, representing your school in the swimming team. I never had these things as a child, and neither do I care. Besides, there's always two sides to the story, right? Hell, I didn't even bother recovering my graduation photos when I reformatted my laptop.
Memories of the past, conceptualizations of the mind that is no longer a part of reality. Does it make any sense to miss something that doesn't exist? Or are they just there?
Like my photos?
Sunday, March 19th 2005, 20:17
Spring break, finally. Time for some internal reflections and catching up. Ah, peace and quiet... good stuff. No more 24/7 slumber parties in dorms, or the need to stay alert all the time. Finally I get some rest. So many wounds that I need to heal.
*****
The difference between believing in gods and spirits, believing that there is only one God, or believing in the Christian God, is not so much a matter of what you are brought up with, but more to do with how much you understand about morality and righteousness. When you ask someone whether they are a good guy or not, they say they are. However, when you ask them questions such as why one should give money to the poor, or why rape is wrong, you get all sorts of answers. Some say they are implicit social contracts so that everyone can spend less time worrying about their safety. Others say it's against the law, which could be the law of the country or the law of God/gods. And some would even give purely biological explanations, that everything is done for producing favourable offspring.
Sometimes I really agree with Kohlberg's stages of moral development, even though I don't agree that just because one must move past some stages to reach others, that one is superior to the other. I think the word "state" is more politically correct. What I've also noticed is that while people in different "states" of moral thinking can get along fine, they rarely become close friends. I think the problem is that we haven't really spent much time exploring this issue at all. On the surface, this is totally meaningless, because for most of us, most of the time, we end up doing or not doing the same things anyway. On the other hand, this could be a possible explanation as to why cultural and religious values, even after so many years of mingling, remain distinct, contradictory to each other or even outright mutually exclusive. In good times, we get along fine with a set of social codes that are vaguely compatible with each other, but in tough times, these cracks beneath the cover sheets start to show up.
Something that I've learnt this semester is that a lot of arguments between friends, group members or family members are not really based on disagreements on the actual event, but the chasm of differences between these "states" of moral thinking. In religion especially. I remember having read websites written by atheists and agnostics saying that Christians remain faithful to their religion because of the ignorance of any other type of thinking, or a combination of hope and fear. What I realised after talking to a lot of Christians is that most people are not that religious. Now please correct me if I am wrong, but what I've noticed is that a lot of them seem to think that it is wrong because it's illegal, and it's illegal because it's wrong. But do not mistake this with circular thinking. Rather, it is their conception of morality, defined largely by boundaries set by authority, whether it be a country, or the word of God.
All this suffering, conflicts and wars in this world in the name of religion and patriotism... if we don't find some common ground between these "states", we'll get nowhere.
Sunday, March 14th 2004, 17:20
My MP's are not complete, my finance exam's on Monday (got a C- for my project BTW), and my math homework's still untouched (no, really). Why? Because I played in the free poker tournament yesterday sponsored by housing!! Instead of being knocked out early, I came fifth out of a hundred contestant, and everyone knows how long that must have took, of course! Actually I could've won it, but since people were eager for dinner they just raised the blinds like crazy, so anyone that was short-stacked just got bashed into oblivion.
{Chinese texts lost during archiving process}
...
(sigh)
Sunday, March 13th 2005, 21:36
I'm really busy. I'll give more detailed updates when Spring break starts.
Tried to find a job this summer, but failed. So instead, I've decided to stretch myself to the limit in another way. Funny how I always get myself into one mess after the other. It's even more funny how much more you learn in college than in any other stage of your life. And still we continue to get ourselves in trouble.
Yes, my updates might sound strange, but if you ask me about it, it'll all make sense.
*******
Dedicated to Kenneth Ho: http://www.stwing.upenn.edu/~jenf/writing/rant04.html
*******
Dedicated to my roommate: {picture lost during archiving process}
Tuesday, March 9th 2004, 20:45
Do not, do not, do not ever have more or less than 3 full meals a day, eating as much as you want, if you're scared of gaining weight. Also, try to eat early dinners. I know this all sounds contradictory, but it's true.
So to prove it, I've actually tried to only eat two meals a day and nothing else everyday, for two weeks, to see what happens. No snacks, no nothing, just strictly two meals. The result? A lot more snacks and junk food than usual.
See, force of will only lasted through the first week. Then I started to get cramps, headaches and unexplained sleepiness in the middle of the day, not to mention forgetfulness and the inability to think as well as I usually could. Eating a fruit didn't help either - it had to be a high-fat, high carb snack such as muffins or cheeseburgers before I could relieve my symptoms, because I guess was starving by then, and my body already had other things in mind.
So I guess when people do that for a long time, it becomes a psychological habit, and they don't cut the snacks even if their meal patterns become normal again, and so they become fat. This is especially true for college students I guess, who has a lot of work to do and often skips meals. You don't actually eat less - you just replace your meals with a high-fat diet.
You still look pretty now? You'll pay the price once you're in the 30's.
DON'T PAY THE PRICE. EAT SMART **NOW**!!
Sunday, March 7th 2004, 10:15
{Chinese texts lost during archiving process}
I really wonder how they managed to find all this stuff around Champaign...
Wednesday, March 3rd 2004, 21:22
The same nightmares are coming to me again. The same bad memories, the same pain that I can feel even after I wake up, the same visions of horror and despair. Losing sleep because of workload is he hallmark of most college students, but being haunted by dreams too terrible for words really puts me down.
Thankfully there's this "Taste of Asia" by the AAA today, which is basically a free homemade buffet dinner in a convenient location. I mean, Chinese food that actually taste Chinese in Illinois!! That cheered me up somewhat.
But I still can't get rid of these night terrors! What's wrong?
Sunday, February 29th 2004, 11:30 ((Playing: You will be my Ain true love - Alison Krauss)
In my opinion, leap days are more significant than birthdays (which I never cared much about anyway), because they only come once every 4 years. My day was dull and normal, but inside I just feel special. Another leap year... when I grow old, I'll count these instead of actual years to keep track of my age.
One of my friends told me about Herman Hollerith being born on this day. Interesting.
As for my classes... I'll just concentrate more on my remaining courses at least. I hope I could do well, so the "sacrifice" won't be a complete waste. I know, I am being way too forgiving to myself these days. I think I'll have to start playing tight again.