Wednesday, January 28th 2004, 23:34
There are times in life when you have to take great risks, and this is one of them. I've made a decision that is totally against conventional wisdom, but it's too late to turn back now. Fear? It means nothing to me.
I pray I haven't made the wrong decision. But since I'm an atheist, there's no point in me praying. I'm all by myself.
Tuesday, January 27th 2004, 21:54
This sucks. My MATH 270 class clashes directly with Amnesty. So, instead of discussing and doing things to save the world, I'll be stuck doing math and preparing for Course 1 Exam so that I can make more money for myself. Please feel free to comment.
Speaking of my courses, yeah, I've dropped down to 18 credits now. As much as I am against it, everyone seems to think I should. See, stubbornness is a characteristic that I have, which can both be a strength and a weakness. It's not something that I can completely... well, you know what I mean.
Or it might be because I'm not motivated at all. Will, like stamina, can be exhausted. My will is long past exhaustion. So I guess I'll just let myself be brain dead for the next 72 hours and see what happens.
Sunday, January 25th 2004, 10:34
Most of the time I do things because I have to, but sometimes I purposely do something entirely different just to experience it. Unfortunately, I realise that you can't really force yourself to change in a certain way. It doesn't work. In fact, it's amazing how we have more control over others than ourselves usually. It's not a choice that's given to us of course - we were all born into a world that simply works that way.
Which makes me wonder: is hope a passive attitude or an active stance?
Thursday, January 22nd 2004, 20:37
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This really sucks. By the time it's my turn, all interview spots for the Actuarial Recruitment Conference is filled up. Since there's not much point in competing in the Business Careers Fair, I might as well conclude that I am not going to get an internship this year. This is a great disappointment for me.
That doesn't mean I won't be busy either. In fact, I'm taking 7 courses for 21 credits total, and I might even turn two of them into honours, which means massive undergrad thesis on top of everything else. Many people are telling me to drop at least one course, but I know I'll be hating myself for year if I chicken out before I even begin. I don't think people voting for or against me dropping will affect my decision. I perfectly know all the risks, uncertainties and reasons for/against.
In fact, it is purely an inner struggle of the heart and the mind again. Only this time, I don't know which is which.
Monday, January 19th 2004, 21:50
Came back to Champaign yesterday afternoon. Lack of sleep plus jetlag really sucks. So far I managed to resist sleeping before nine, but I'll have to keep it up until I'm used to the time difference. I find it difficult to describe exactly how weird I feel right now.
Managed to buy some books and unpack my stuff. Meet up with some people, but that's about it. Today seems to be some local holiday, which means all campus buildings and banks are closed. Naturally I didn't achieve much, and hence I don't have much to say right now. Maybe I'll talk more later.
BTW does anyone have experience with removing the static charge that keeps screwing up my hair? It sticks onto your face, follows your hands whenever you try to comb it and cracks with a loud sound every time I'm near a window. Any suggestions?
Hmm... what else could I say. It's cold? No, I should say it feels cold - the wind chill here's worse than Chicago. Especially when the wind whips against your face and you're tired at the same time. Even saying 'hi' to your friends outside is impossible.
Thursday, January 15th 2004, 22:08
Ever noticed that it's often the sad songs that are most enchanting and memorable?
A small river flows gently over the round pebbles, covered with scrubs that carpet the gentle hillside. The stone bed erodes, the climate slowly changes and it sometimes rains. But the stream is still there. Sometime ago, I walked along that stream near my house and picked up a round pebble, happily bringing it home. No-one noticed that I placed it beside my pillow until months later, when my mother told me to throw it away. Many times I tried, but every time I swing my arms, my fist remains clutched.
Eventually I told my parents that the pebble will be my pet. I called it hope.
Tuesday, January 13th 2004, 20:17
Went to meet a friend that I haven't seen for ages!
Florrie (left): Nice to meet you again. Good to hear that you're coping well with such a difficult program. You seem to enjoy CU, but then again, if you're spending so many years there, it better be worth it right? Please visit my homepage more often, and remember to go online! Miss you loads and see you in the summers!
After meeting up with Florrie, I spent the rest of the afternoon with Josephina, Rachel, Pam and Kay. Hmm... what can I say... wish Pam a safe journey? Oh and remember to call me when you have time!
Saturday, January 10th 2004, 22:40
I know I shouldn't update too much, but I guess some habits are hard to break.
Played snooker with my buddies today. It's the time of my life where I have to say goodbye to my friends again. I'm leaving on the 17th, so I have a few more days to get myself together, and to prepare for the next semester. I still remember how we used to dwell over not seeing each other for a week, and how we now come to realized that as we become older, farewells usually last for years, if not forever. I wouldn't say that we've become more mature now, or that we were fools in the past, but merely that there is still a lot about fate that eludes us all. For me, I'm not only saying goodbye to people, but also other things that I know will be lost to me forever. Spring comes after winter, but is it the same spring every year?
What I am a little surprised about is how I've learnt more about my close friends, even after so many years. Or am I simply increasing my perception towards others? Could it be that after so many long years, I'm finally closing the gap between my mental age and other teenagers? Am I really a slow boomer as they say?
I'll say more later. In the meantime, enjoy the rest of your holiday!!
Monday, January 5th 2004, 22:19
Went hiking in Lion Rock today. Since the trip only took 5 hours, my fitness wasn't really put to the test. I went out for the whole day again, but time spent going out is never time wasted, especially during the holiday. Too bad some people that were supposed to come, didn't. Oh well, seven is still company. The scenery was nice, but too bad it was too near the city, and the air too polluted. I wonder how so many eagles survive here.
Can't believe Matthew's leaving. I don't know when I can see you again but, miss you loads! I might see you again when we have the chance to. Maybe... sometimes the world is not too big after all..
Thursday, January 1st 2004, 17:42 (Playing: Claude Debussy - Rêverie)
Happy New Year everybody! Yesterday was a lot of fun!
A new year signifies changes, and leaving old things behind. I can foresee myself an extremely busy life next semester, so I'll need all the support I can get. There are many things in my New Years resolution, but one of them is to learn to forgive myself, and all the terrible mistakes that I've made. Some regrets hurt you forever, and there's nothing we can do about it other than suffer, but at least we shouldn't make it worse by constantly hating ourselves for it.
I got my grades back, and my GPA so far is 3.94/4.0, which is not too shabby for one such as myself. I hope I can keep it up. See, UIUC is a school filled with racist bastards and white trash, but at least with those in your classes, one can get good grades without sleep deprivation, unlike the lofty Ivy's or the cutthroat UC's. As they say, life can't be all that bad. What I have to worry about now is to get used to dorm food, and try to make more friends. It's really hard, especially when the Hong Kong students there are few and far between, with a culture that is radically different from what I've experienced before.
Sometimes, you have to learn to be alone.